Never, never, never give up.

There is absolutely no way how I will ever be able to tell you how much every single one of you means to me. I've been struggling lately, giving up one day and fasting the next, stuffing myself with any food within my reach, and then purging, only followed by more eating. I've felt like such a failure, I've felt like I've disappointed myself and all of you, and thus entered the vicious circle of eating, being ashamed, not posting because of the lack of motivation and lack of feeling motivating.... and so I've been hiding. Again. And I'm so very sorry.

I'm not going to lie, I gained a lot. I've made it safely back to 55 kg (121.25 lbs... oh, the irony) and however disgusting I feel for posting it here, it's the truth. And because I created this blog so that I wouldn't have to lie to anyone, especially not myself, I have to say that I (surprisingly) don't really feel anything when I look at that number. I'm getting back on track, starting today (after full 7 days of binging) and I'm declaring an absolute fast, meaning liquid fast until I get back to where I was when I still felt motivated. 

Strange. I just had a deja vu, looking at these two paragraphs. It's like it was meant to be, and I just did what was meant to be done, but hidden... until now. I'm back, my darlings. With all my heart I hope that you've been doing much better than myself. I promise that I'll go through your blogs these days and be supportive, motivating and.... me. A warm welcome to all my new followers: I'm actually really surprised you're still reading my blog, even though I've been such a disappointment. I love you, every single one of you, and again, thank you very very much for the support I need so much.

I love you so much.

Never, never, never give up.

(Winston Churchill)

Lu.

Will this ever end?

A little different (and a longer) post today; if you're here just for the pictures, please, feel free to skip ahead... I just need to get all of this off of my mind right now.

To be honest, I've been doing awfully lately. I have been looking for my lost motivation (no, still haven't found it) and (for a split second) even started thinking about giving up and never looking back, but, well, which one of us doesn't have bad days, right?

Tomorrow is a new day.

Tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow we can start over.

Tomorrow I can start over.

This has been sounding in my head like a mantra, something I'm trying to persuade myself of, something I tell you every week, and yet I myself end up breaking every single time.

I have gone way too far to give up on everything (and all of you) now, I know. My roommate is noticing. She says I don't eat, that I don't sleep, that I am disappearing before her eyes. She looks worried and that really hurts me because she is a very dear friend to me. I can't tell her, she knows my excuses are too feeble, she sees that I'm suffering, but she seems to accept everything because I know she loves me.

We're strange creatures, don't you agree? When I first started, I set my "far future" goal weight to "somewhere between 52-55 kg" (~115-120 lbs), and the weight at which I would "feel good about myself" to be 55-56 kg. When I was 56 kg, I felt everything but good about myself, and so I pushed myself. When I was 55 kg, I saw that I could do better, just me, myself, and my determination and I pushed myself again.

I'm pushing my goals, my dreams, my ideas about perfection and I'll be pushing until-------?

I wonder if what I am will ever be enough, if this is ever going to come to an end. I feel trapped in this vicious circle of reaching for... what am I actually reaching for? 

No, I'm not depressed, this is just something that my brain has been telling me for the past couple of weeks... and I don't know what to do about it, I honestly don't know, I keep going, keep restricting, keep trying to lose... and meanwhile, what I'm losing is the connection between what I am now and who I used to be.

I'm sorry for the lack of motivational quotes, I need to make myself believe them before I can post more.

We all know them... we see them in the streets and wish we were more like them. 

P.S. I know posts like these are extremely hard to comment on,
but if you leave only a dot, one letter, a question mark...
whatever, I will appreciate it now more than ever because
I need you, my darlings.

I love you and I will never cease to admire
how strong, encouraging and truly beautiful you are.

Thank you.


Yours always,
Lu.