In a matter of four months, I went from spending two hours at the gym every single day of the week to sedentary, very close to zero-activity lifestyle. Crazy. The urgency to get back on track (and the elliptical) has crept up on me and is growing stronger and stronger every day-- maybe because I've been a real disappointment to myself lately.
I'm going back and forth between eating clean and not eating at all, and when I eat, fighting off the voice in my head telling me stop stuffing my face and pigging out is still an immense struggle.
I have been doing a little sitting-room yoga in the afternoons these days and have been re-discovering the sensation of what comes quite close to real happiness, the existence of which I had almost forgotten.
Saturday was a bad day. I did some yoga and felt calm, positive. And then I ate a little bit and purged, ate another little bit and purged, and then I kept eating and purging every little bite I ate until I lost count of the times I went running to the bathroom; my thoughts alone have recently been making me physically sick: I am still too weak, I am incapable of defeating the voices, I cannot make myself keep the food in. I find myself standing in front of the toilet, my mind yells at me "What are you doing? You don't need to do this! No no no, stop it!" But I can't, I simply can't, I gag at the silent accusations of my brain and there I am, bending over and shushing the voices.
The worst thing is that I see the change in the mirror, and even though I'm very very far from where I'd like to be, the slight sense of satisfaction silences everything else; the reflection I see is the proof that what I'm doing is working, yet I know this way I'm slowly killing myself.
The worst thing is that I see the change in the mirror, and even though I'm very very far from where I'd like to be, the slight sense of satisfaction silences everything else; the reflection I see is the proof that what I'm doing is working, yet I know this way I'm slowly killing myself.
It's a vicious circle and it needs to end.
I'm trying, I really am...I'm really trying to be a better person.
I'd really like to be a healthier me, but the presence of the fear of gaining weight is overpowering. It's a process, a struggle, a war. Constant irrational fear and unwillingness to give up vs. constant belief that "healthy" is well within the reach.
And maybe I'm just making up excuses.
It makes me truly sad to be so proud of being able to see beauty around me in the simplest of things, see uniqueness in people I meet, exceptionality of the tiniest of wonderful moments, yet cannot make myself see beauty in me.
I'm confused, as you can tell.
But I'm not losing hope.
Things do get better..
I believe that I will get better.
I have to believe that I will get better.
I'd really like to be a healthier me, but the presence of the fear of gaining weight is overpowering. It's a process, a struggle, a war. Constant irrational fear and unwillingness to give up vs. constant belief that "healthy" is well within the reach.
And maybe I'm just making up excuses.
It makes me truly sad to be so proud of being able to see beauty around me in the simplest of things, see uniqueness in people I meet, exceptionality of the tiniest of wonderful moments, yet cannot make myself see beauty in me.
I'm confused, as you can tell.
But I'm not losing hope.
Things do get better..
I believe that I will get better.
I have to believe that I will get better.
Hang in there and try to get through another week. I can relate to exercising and then not being able to exercise. I always get to a point where I just don't want to do it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to get through my online homework and for some reason I didn't want to do homework all weekend. Some weekends I do, and other weekends I just can't bring myself to do it.
I don't think our bodies are always going to be constant but we can try to overcome our thoughts as best as we can, even if that is terribly hard and near impossible.
Purging can feel good, because you get all of that food out of your system that you don't want in it, but it can also be dangerous if you do it all the time, but I know you know that.
Hang in there and be strong. Keep your head up through all of this and I wish you the will to get back on the exercise mill!
“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
Yoga can be so calming. I find cardio, especially the elliptical, quite relaxing too.
ReplyDeleteThe fear of weight and food is completely overpowering. The voices are hard to ignore when they tell us to not eat this and to purge that.
Don't lose hope. Things always have a chance to get better. Keep fighting xx
I like yoga too(but I don't think I'm very good at it!)
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and you are going in the right direction. It is hard but you can be the person that you want to be, a healthier you :)
I hope that you will learn to see your beauty <3
Alice xx
I agree, you are totally amazing and we are all heading in the right direction!
Deletei never noticed how pretty your header pohto is!
ReplyDeleteoh i read that tile i know those voices already they are fucking assholes
omg i know how you feel - i was a crazy gym bunny but then i flared up and can't physically move for a bit so i decided it's insane for me to risk my health like every time i go to the gym (i have a skin disorder) sucks ball, man. i'd rather have a toned body than a flare-less free one.
i have no patience for yoga. yes you read that right i am too impatient for yoga
im glad you can actually see the work on you
im sad that you had to purge all of that - believe me, im a purger and i know more than anyone there is definitely something addicting about it. it's like...even sometimes the feeling of food in you kinda destroys you
you will get better, love.
the world is there for you to hold. you will get better. if you want to, you can recover. it's not impossible to do so, sweetheart. and when you do, you can lose weight the healthy way. you don't have to kill yourself to lose weight, love. and one thing that really helped me when i was trying to recover? 'you don't have to lose weight. it's a choice. not a compulsion.'
-Sam Lupin
I need to start doing some yoga, I think. My back and shoulders are super-tight and when I do light stretching they feel better. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteThe voices in your head didn't get in overnight. They snuck in in bits and pieces. You have to evict them the same way. They won't want to go, but just keep bitch-slapping them and chucking their furniture on the lawn one piece at a time. They'll get the message and while they'll kick and scream remember that we've got your back and you'll get there. You're worth it, you're worth fighting for. Your life, your joy, your SELF are worth fighting for.
Love love love to you <3