Find what you love and let it kill you.

 

Got back into the habit of no breakfasts, purged lunches, four espressos a day and cigarettes.

Shrinking again: I feel it, I see it. I'm doing it to myself again, yet can't stop. It brings me the kind of peace of mind I needed and the kind of self-control I wasn't able to grasp and hold onto for so long.

The hipbones I haven't seen in months are beginning to show and it only means two things:

(1) I am winning the battle against my body, the fat embracing my bones and the food cravings stuck in my head.

(2) I am losing the battle against the illness that has been my best friend for over two years now.

...somehow, for some ill and uncontrollable, yet fascinating and strangely comforting reason, I am not willing to give up now. This time, I will get down to the weight I always wanted to be and never had the courage (or the right amount of continuous self-persuasion) to be.

The old determined girl is back.

For good or bad, Lu is on the winning streak again.

Uncertainty.

I don't know what to do.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough. (Post #100)

 

You're eating a lot more than last summer.

(Last summer, I didn't eat at all.)

You're constantly chewing something.

(I draw my daily calorie limit at 500.)

Looks like you're gaining weight.

(I've lost almost 7 pounds since I got home...two weeks ago.)

 

 He has no idea about what I'm going through.

The saddest thing is that I still have the need to justify to myself that what he says couldn't be more out of touch with reality (even if I know he's wrong). When I tell him, he says he's my father, not my friend.

Subconsciousness is a strange thing.

 

Never knew that trying to persuade the mind to let go can ache this much. I keep telling myself what we had wasn't meant to last, but try to explain that to a bruised heart. 

And meanwhile, it hurts. 

It physically hurts.

I dreamt of him last night, yearning for a closure. It didn't come. Seemed so real that the sensation of closeness and familiarity woke me. I greeted the morning with the sight of street lights switching off, one by one, as the sun rose.

I keep trying, yet keep getting better at failing.

 

My life is falling apart.

Running away seems like the only plausible solution.

But I can't, I...can't. It's what I've been doing for the past five years.

I stopped eating again in a desperate attempt to re-assemble 

the puzzle of inner peace I had (and lost).

The parents won't notice. They never have;

they're too busy criticizing who I've become.

I don't blame them, yet sometimes wish they knew.

Maybe they'd treat me differently.

Most fears are irrational: it's all in our head... and we can, we can, we can.

57.8 kg (127.43 lbs)

SW for this try: 57.8 kg (127.43 lbs)

weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)

weight I want to be: 48 kg (105.82 lbs)

weight to lose: 9.8 kg (21.61 lbs)

Whatever I've been doing (or rather not doing) hasn't been working.

I need this so much, yet I find myself failing, eating, purging, 

gaining weight,and getting bigger and bigger. Even though random 

people tell me I'm beautiful, I don't believe them because I remember 

how slender I was over the summer, when I was so very close 

to my goals. I need it back, I need to be a thinner myself.

This has got to stop.

I'm getting my old self-control back.

P.S. It's been 7 weeks that I've been in London. 

More about that next time, for now, let me just say- I feel at home.

Con= controlling what I eat is a lot harder here than at my college.

 

Here's to me.

Here's to us.

Here's to finding what we thought was lost.

Here's to regaining self-control.

Lu.

You need to choose whether you want to be liked or admired.

54.8 kg (120.81 lbs)

SW for this try: 55.7 kg (122.8 lbs)

weight lost: 0.9 kg (1.98 lbs)

weight I want to be: 46.18 kg (101.8 lbs)

weight to lose: 8.63 kg (19.02 lbs)

I'm hungry and it makes my stomach so upset that even if I ate something right now, it wouldn't stay in. I'm getting there, 18 days, 19 pounds. I found this out in the past-- after the third day of a fast, the pounds start dropping by themselves... the challenge is to make it past that third day. I can I can I can.

And I will. 

It's not much of a choice for me, really... it's crystal clear: 

I want to be admired.

And I will be.

Let's have a successful day, my loves.

Let's do this so we can fly.

Love, hugs, and kisses,

Lu.

P.S. Make sure you don't forget to smile today.