Problems are messages.

Sweethearts, I'm so sorry I haven't posted for the past couple of days... I actually wrote a post on Thursday, but never published it. I talked about how I recognized the binge-enemy and was ready to defeat it, but the problem was that I wasn't ready, and I knew it: I just couldn't make myself believe my own words.

I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster lately (this has probably been my most difficult period so far- psychologically speaking), it's still not over, and I'm still a wreck. The week before is always terrible (especially for people around me that don't know what what's going on)- I'm moody, argue for the stupidest things and hurt everyone, even those that love me the most, but the actual week of the struggle is never this bad... can it be over now? Please?

"You have gained weight since you came back, right?" Again. Again. Those words almost made me cry on Friday, but I have tried not to think of them too much since... but they still hurt. The strange thing is that instead of making me feel motivated to lose weight, they make me eat. I'm tired of making excuses for him, and the minute I stop, I start to hate him, and hating my own father makes me feel like an ungrateful spoiled little brat, and that makes me hate myself. I want out of this stupid circle: being back is so much harder than I would have ever imagined. Being so weak makes me feel disappointed in myself, and I'm so vulnerable at the moment that basically anything can bring me down. And then, when I think more about it, I think of all the people in the world that have it so much more difficult than me, and I feel ashamed for being so stupid, so superficial. Sometimes I just wish I could be someone else... anyone else.

And I'm sick right now. My brother caught something at work and has been coughing and sneezing at all of us for the past week, and of course I caught it from him. Not making the situation better.

I promised myself I wouldn't postpone things unless absolutely necessary, but I have to: I'll start posting my weight and seriously working on it once I'm alright again, just not right now. 

I hope you've been doing well, my loves, and I'm sorry for not being my usual optimistic self- I seem to be unable to feel happy at the moment. I'm sorry. I'll try to post again tomorrow.



























I will love you, I always will, no matter what I'm going through.
I'm so sorry not to be the strong and the courageous one.

Thank you for every single one of your comments,
they make me feel like maybe I'm actually good for something.

Lu.

The world is full of cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

Pfff. Frustrated. 

I'm craving sugar, carbs, and chocolate. I feel so bloated, it seems like my body is clinging to every drop of water I've ever given it and last night I ate like the world was about to end. This all can mean only one thing- it's almost that time of month. I don't even feel like posting my weight today, it's only going to make me feel worse. I'll resume soon though- I have to have the goal before my eyes at all times... just not today.

In the morning, I was thinking about you girls. In my head, I was going through the hundreds of posts I've read and the comments I've ever written and received, and was wondering what happens to the girls that suddenly stop blogging or decide to leave. Do they find the peace they were so eager to find? Do they still have the dreams they once had? Do they still have the same ideals and... do they ever think of the past? With my whole heart and soul, I wish them the best of luck and hope they find what they were looking for... and that they are happy now.

I love you so much, darlings.































































Hope you have a beautiful day,
Lu.

He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.

53.5 kg (117.95 lbs)

---------BMI 20.4---------

weight lost: 2.2 kg (4.85 lbs)

weight to lose: 5.5 kg (12.13 lbs)

Catching up on the episodes of America's Next Top Model I missed while I was studying for finals and getting ready for home. Although I don't particularly like the girls on the show, they are thin and look good in (almost ;) everything they put on ... and that's precisely what I need at the moment-- to see what I can be if I stay focused.

breakfast: a cup of coffee with a little bit of milk (20 cal)

lunch: pork roast with dumplings (~370 cal)

dinner

Need to send in my CV today: I'd like to earn some money this summer so I can get the laser eye surgery I've been dreaming about for the longest time... my mom said they'd pay for it if I want it so much, but I don't want that.... I'd really like to earn the money myself and prove (mainly to myself) that I can. Please wish me luck, I'll really need it.

Today will be a good day.

Love,

Lu.