Uncertainty.

I don't know what to do.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough. (Post #100)

 

You're eating a lot more than last summer.

(Last summer, I didn't eat at all.)

You're constantly chewing something.

(I draw my daily calorie limit at 500.)

Looks like you're gaining weight.

(I've lost almost 7 pounds since I got home...two weeks ago.)

 

 He has no idea about what I'm going through.

The saddest thing is that I still have the need to justify to myself that what he says couldn't be more out of touch with reality (even if I know he's wrong). When I tell him, he says he's my father, not my friend.

Subconsciousness is a strange thing.

 

Never knew that trying to persuade the mind to let go can ache this much. I keep telling myself what we had wasn't meant to last, but try to explain that to a bruised heart. 

And meanwhile, it hurts. 

It physically hurts.

I dreamt of him last night, yearning for a closure. It didn't come. Seemed so real that the sensation of closeness and familiarity woke me. I greeted the morning with the sight of street lights switching off, one by one, as the sun rose.

I keep trying, yet keep getting better at failing.

 

My life is falling apart.

Running away seems like the only plausible solution.

But I can't, I...can't. It's what I've been doing for the past five years.

I stopped eating again in a desperate attempt to re-assemble 

the puzzle of inner peace I had (and lost).

The parents won't notice. They never have;

they're too busy criticizing who I've become.

I don't blame them, yet sometimes wish they knew.

Maybe they'd treat me differently.

Most fears are irrational: it's all in our head... and we can, we can, we can.

57.8 kg (127.43 lbs)

SW for this try: 57.8 kg (127.43 lbs)

weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)

weight I want to be: 48 kg (105.82 lbs)

weight to lose: 9.8 kg (21.61 lbs)

Whatever I've been doing (or rather not doing) hasn't been working.

I need this so much, yet I find myself failing, eating, purging, 

gaining weight,and getting bigger and bigger. Even though random 

people tell me I'm beautiful, I don't believe them because I remember 

how slender I was over the summer, when I was so very close 

to my goals. I need it back, I need to be a thinner myself.

This has got to stop.

I'm getting my old self-control back.

P.S. It's been 7 weeks that I've been in London. 

More about that next time, for now, let me just say- I feel at home.

Con= controlling what I eat is a lot harder here than at my college.

 

Here's to me.

Here's to us.

Here's to finding what we thought was lost.

Here's to regaining self-control.

Lu.

You need to choose whether you want to be liked or admired.

54.8 kg (120.81 lbs)

SW for this try: 55.7 kg (122.8 lbs)

weight lost: 0.9 kg (1.98 lbs)

weight I want to be: 46.18 kg (101.8 lbs)

weight to lose: 8.63 kg (19.02 lbs)

I'm hungry and it makes my stomach so upset that even if I ate something right now, it wouldn't stay in. I'm getting there, 18 days, 19 pounds. I found this out in the past-- after the third day of a fast, the pounds start dropping by themselves... the challenge is to make it past that third day. I can I can I can.

And I will. 

It's not much of a choice for me, really... it's crystal clear: 

I want to be admired.

And I will be.

Let's have a successful day, my loves.

Let's do this so we can fly.

Love, hugs, and kisses,

Lu.

P.S. Make sure you don't forget to smile today.

In the end, all the troubles will just fade away.

55.7 kg (122.8 lbs)

SW for this try: 55.7 kg (122.8 lbs)

weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)

weight I want to be: 46.18 kg (101.8 lbs)

weight to lose: 9.53 kg (21 lbs)

Well, now I understand where the week-long chocolate binge was coming from: my period started today. (Adjusted my starting weight... seems more fair this way.)

Still swollen. 

Still feeling like a big repugnant toad. 

Still planning on getting rid of those 21 pounds. 

(20 days as of today)

Drinking red wine. Eating caffeine pills like candy. 

Listening to the rain and Coldplay's old songs.

You're amazing, darlings.

This kind of support is all I need right now.

Love you love you love you.

We'll make it through... because we have each other.

Lu.