Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.

 

Trying.

Trying some more.

Trying more than some more.

Step by step, I'm learning to quit binging.

It's okay to feel defeated sometimes; the most important thing is to keep trying.

 

I found this on someone's tumblr last night 

and think it's a wonderful idea!

The simple thought inspired me so much that of course I had to give it a try: first thing in the morning, I wrote "Don't binge. Do yoga instead." on my belly and decided to draw a heart next to it every time I feel like binging and, well, my brain wins.

 

So far, I'm a proud owner of one tiny heart.

Lu vs. binging:

1:0.

Sorry for the horrendous quality, I know you most probably can't see anything, but my camera's battery's out of charge and I was too excited to wait for it to finish charging, so I had to use my phone.

 

 I love you so much, not sure what I'd do without your kind words, your support and, most of all, your love. Stay strong, my darlings, we'll conquer those thunderstorms because we have each other.

Hugs and kisses,

Your Lu.

How do you unfriend the voices in your head?

In a matter of four months, I went from spending two hours at the gym every single day of the week to sedentary, very close to zero-activity lifestyle. Crazy. The urgency to get back on track (and the elliptical) has crept up on me and is growing stronger and stronger every day-- maybe because I've been a real disappointment to myself lately.

I'm going back and forth between eating clean and not eating at all, and when I eat, fighting off the voice in my head telling me stop stuffing my face and pigging out is still an immense struggle.

 I have been doing a little sitting-room yoga in the afternoons these days and have been re-discovering the sensation of what comes quite close to real happiness, the existence of which I had almost forgotten.

Saturday was a bad day. I did some yoga and felt calm, positive. And then I ate a little bit and purged, ate another little bit and purged, and then I kept eating and purging every little bite I ate until I lost count of the times I went running to the bathroom; my thoughts alone have recently been making me physically sick: I am still too weak, I am incapable of defeating the voices, I cannot make myself keep the food in. I find myself standing in front of the toilet, my mind yells at me "What are you doing? You don't need to do this! No no no, stop it!" But I can't, I simply can't, I gag at the silent accusations of my brain and there I am, bending over and shushing the voices.

The worst thing is that I see the change in the mirror, and even though I'm very very far from where I'd like to be, the slight sense of satisfaction silences everything else; the reflection I see is the proof that what I'm doing is working, yet I know this way I'm slowly killing myself.

It's a vicious circle and it needs to end.

I'm trying, I really am...I'm really trying to be a better person.
I'd really like to be a healthier me, but the presence of the fear of gaining weight is overpowering. It's a process, a struggle, a war. Constant irrational fear and unwillingness to give up vs. constant belief that "healthy" is well within the reach.

And maybe I'm just making up excuses.

It makes me truly sad to be so proud of being able to see beauty around me in the simplest of things, see uniqueness in people I meet, exceptionality of the tiniest of wonderful moments, yet cannot make myself see beauty in me.

I'm confused, as you can tell.
But I'm not losing hope.
Things do get better..
I believe that I will get better. 

I have to believe that I will get better.

Keto diaries (a.k.a Lu's biggest diet change experiment yet).

What is "keto", you ask?  
Wiki link for your convenience.

So this is my experience.. daily diary disclosed for your amusement.

Day 1. Wednesday, April 10, 2013.  Got through the day surprisingly smoothly: no sugar cravings that could not be fixed with cheese cubes and Dijon mustard. And more cheese cubes dipped in mayo.

Day 2. Thursday. Headache in the evening; other than that, I was determined enough to stick to the new regimen that I didn't allow myself to cheat. No sugar for me, thank you.

Day 3. Friday. Couldn't stop thinking about the leftover caramelized walnuts from Easter. Nibbled on cheese and ham instead. Major headaches throughout the entire day, culminating in the evening. When falling asleep, I'd swear caramel apples and sugar-coated cookies were floating right before my eyes.

Day 4. Saturday. The worst morning yet. By far. First time in months, after opening my eyes in the morning, I seriously considered not getting out of bed. Nausea took over me, felt like I was going to be sick; the very first image upon force-opening my eyes was one of me hugging the toilet for the rest of the day. Made myself get up, headed straight to the kitchen, ate some ham, cheese and had a little salad on the side. Caught myself staring at my half-finished cup of coffee, literally waiting for even the smallest signal that would send me running to the bathroom. Sat and stared, sat and stared, and the sluggishness began to lift until it miraculously disappeared. Afternoon headache crept up on me, although it wasn't nearly as intense and the one I experienced the previous night. Crisis. Flashing neon signs in my brain are constantly switched on and read one word: CARBS.

Day 5. Sunday. Felt alright in the morning; interestingly enough, got a headache after my breakfast share of cheese and ham. Purged lunch, felt like it simply had way too many carbs in it. Pimiento stuffed olives, cheese and sour cream for dinner. Couldn't have possibly stayed in my 500 calorie limit, which is making me feel extremely guilty. For the first time since Wednesday, it occurred to me I might just like chocolate and candy in general a little too much to stick with the diet (now this it what my brain is yelling at me: "Giving up after making it through five days without chocolate? For a carb addict like myself, that's real eternity! I'm no quitter! I'm sticking to the regimen no matter what because I really need to lose the fat!!")


Day 6. Monday. Quitting is not what I do; made the conscious decision to stick to the diet. My period is coming: on top of being constipated as hell, I'm bloated as well. Killing sugar cravings with spoonfuls of chicken fat. Disgusting? No. As long as there's zero or close to no carbs and full fat in it, nothing seems to gross me out any more.  
Monday, later. Thinking and re-thinking. The extra four (!) pounds on the scale are more than discouraging. Might be the before-period phenomenon, or the constant share of calories my body's not used to getting, or perhaps a combination of the two, but seriously... decided to give it until Wednesday so I can say I gave Keto a one-week try: if I don't see any signs of results, I'm abandoning the ship and going back to my beloved fruits and veggies. And chocolate. And sugar. Oh Lord, yes please, give me some sugar, that's all I ask.  
Monday, later than last later. My head and body and soul and brain and all that I am are screaming "give us our sugar back!!" I think I'll just finish off the day and go back to normal (or at least what I consider 'normal') in the morning. I've never really been the one to choose the easy ways out, but not eating is just.. well.. easier.



Moral of the story? None, really.
I tried and failed quite miserably.
Well, at least I tried ;)

P.S. Not saying that if it didn't work for me, it's not going to work for you either.. the internet is full of testimonies of people who swear by this diet! I realize I really haven't given it "time to kick in", haven't "waited to see the amazing results" or maybe got tired of eating only meat and cheese too early in the diet, but hey, I gave it a go (and maybe I'm just too used to seeing results on daily basis without my scale keeping me this frustrated). And maybe I'll even try it again some day, but no cheese for me for a while now, I beg of you.

And now, do me a favor, will you?

 

I failed, gained four pounds in six days, but it's been an experience. 
Or maybe..

 

As of tomorrow, you can call me a Keto-quitter ;) 
I love you! Stay awesome!
Lu.  

The earth has music for those who listen.

Sometimes it's just difficult to see the silver lining behind all the clouds.

Life is satiated by memories and people and moments that bring us down; maybe we like to think a little too much about the negatives rather than the wonderful that has crossed our way. In the end, we all are incredibly blessed we got the chance to be here and to experience the roller-coaster that is living. Without the bad, we could not treasure the beautiful; oftentimes it's hard to breathe, we feel like we're drowning, but you know what? Through those moments we learn: they make us stronger.

To keep breathing is what truly matters.

Through the downs,

through the storms,

through the frustrations,

through the disappointments.

They will all pass.

There's beauty everywhere around us.

It's truly worth living for. 

 I love you.

Thank you for being you, 

thank you for being there for me,

thank you for being a part of the beautiful in my life.

Lu.