One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.

54.3 kg (119.71 lbs)

---------BMI 20.7---------

weight lost: 1.4 kg (3.09 lbs)

weight to lose: 6.3 kg (13.89 lbs)

Losing again after such a long time means I'm winning again. I never thought a diet like this would work (especially since all the pounds I dropped before were the result of starving myself-- water and coffee only fasts), but here is what I have been up to these three days:

breakfast: a cup of coffee with a little bit of milk (20 cal max)

lunch: a cup of soup/ one plate of pasta/ one slice of pizza 

(I draw the line at 300 cal)

dinner: half of an orange

I was feeling somewhat weak today, so I had a chocolate/ oatmeal snack (not realizing oats have a zillion calories) so I'll probably end up being a lot over my limit today, but I'll be better tomorrow.

Oh, and I started going to the park and playing badminton with my mom, which also means a nice bonding time, being outside, and exercising. I am getting down to 48 kg (105 lbs), I am. I love you, darlings. Hope you've been doing well and getting as close to you goals as possible.

I read this somewhere, and will do my best to make it happen:

June has 30 days: each day can bring you a step closer to your goal, or push you a step back.

30 chances to fall, or to succeed. Let's succeed.

The key is to free ourselves from the past. 

It is possible: let's try. Let's succeed.

I love you so much, sweethearts.

Lu.

Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality. (working on it...)

"Just keep eating like this and you'll have to leave the expensive 

small jeans here when you're packing for school in August."

pats my stomach after lunch. grins. says nothing.

clearly looking at my thighs: "How about no dinner tonight?"

watching TV: "Look at that weather girl! Girls these days are so skinny!"

"You've gained a lot of weight in the two weeks that you've been home, right? Your cheeks are so chubby!"

With all my heart, mind and soul, I was determined to let the comments pass me by, but last night, the last comment my dad made, swept the glass vase of the fragile self-confidence I have been trying to glue together for the past year from the labile table of my existence. I was determined to do it the healthy way, my mind was so set on being the happy, healthy girl not at all preoccupied with her weight- I just wanted to be happy- that was all. The pressure I didn't count with pushed me onto my knees, and I'm back, I'm here, I'm blogging again... and I have to lose more weight.

I tried working out: I have been doing an hour on our stationary bicycle every day last week (burning 1000 calories a day) and my calves are starting to look toned. And bigger. And I didn't lose a single pound. And that freaks me out. I'll have to try a different routine.

55.7 kg (122.8 lbs) as of today.

My first goal is to get to the 53 kg (116.84 lbs) I was two weeks ago.

And this time, nothing can stop me from reaching the 48 kg (105 lbs).

I love you, girls. Only you truly understand what I'm going through.

Thank you for all your support last time- when I thought that... well, it doesn't matter now: let's just leave it all behind and start over.

I need you, darlings.

Lu.

This is not a goodbye, it's more like... I'll be seeing you.

My beautiful little darlings

(or whoever still visits my blog),

you have probably figured that something has been wrong with me because I have been away from my blog for a while again. I haven't been doing very well, more like gaining more and more weight because of all the stress from school, finals and all the pressure (especially the kind of pressure I have been putting myself under). The only positive thing about the past couple of weeks has been that I have been going to the gym every, burning 700/800 calories on average. 

It is the finals' week at my college and tomorrow I have my last exam, so I am planning to pull an all-nighter tonight... the last one of this academic year. It is almost Wednesday, and I will be leaving for home on Sunday morning, landing in my beloved country on Monday. I cannot express how much I want to leave at this point... I have been a disappointment to myself, and even though I have been doing my best to avoid thoughts like this, I am losing the battle... I am losing myself, I am losing who I wanted to become, I am losing the last broken pieces of the person I once used to be and whose body I felt comfortable in. 

No, this is not a goodbye, I know I will be back at some point, probably after the summer, maybe even sooner... I just need some time to figure myself out. I love you so much, sweethearts. You are so very strong and are (and always will be) the true inspiration to me.

I'll be seeing you, but for now...

I love you all so much and owe you more than I will ever be able to pay back. Never ever forget how beautiful you are. This is not the end, it's a new beginning.

Lu.