You can only trust yourself... and barely that.

Have been failing myself lately.

Falling down and catching myself, 

binging and restricting,

trying and failing.
And then not even trying.
That's what we do, right?

breakfast: egg croissant, 5 potatoes (~400 cal)

I told myself I would start tomorrow (which tomorrow?), but the decision always seems to fade with the morning sky. I can feel the weight I have gained. My face is getting bigger. I disgust myself.

I'm not going to lie... why would I:
56 kg (123.46 lbs). Oh yes.

















Lu.

I chose this.

52.3 kg (115.30 lbs)

---------BMI 19.9---------

weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)

weight to lose: 4.3 kg (9.48 lbs)

Raining.

45 minutes of Pilates in the morning

60 minutes on the elliptical in the afternoon

breakfast: leftover latte from last night

lunch: a double espresso shot

a bottle of Diet Coke

I'm not even pushing myself.

When I find myself thinking about food, I rewind all the compliments (both verbal and non-verbal) I received today; I want to be thin more than I want to have dinner. I know I'm crazy, but starving myself has always been the only way for me to lose weight. I'm tired of making excuses, yet apologizing is what I continue doing. 

Junior Year.

I was gone for a long time.

I thought I was okay, I though I was doing great, I thought I was healthy... I thought I won. Admitting that I have an illness was the last thing I wanted to deal with, and yet, two weeks ago, when (again) I started purging all my meals, I realized how far from the truth I was.

The voice in my head is back: when I would religiously count my calories and make myself upset about eating half an orange as the only meal of the day, I had no time to think about what it might mean. I was losing weight to feel better about myself, and then, when I lost the weight I planned on losing, it turned into obsessing about everything food-related.

I think I might need help, but I am simply not brave enough to ask for it (and I know I never will). Even if I did ask, I would secretly continue doing what I have been doing... I'm damn sure about that. It's a circle, my darlings, and I can't get out. 

I am back in my college, and everyone has been complimenting me on how great I look. I have never had this much attention from guys, and I have no idea how to deal with it (though I still seem to intimidate them... well, at least that hasn't changed :). This is not helping... all of this has only left me restricting more, exercising more, wanting more.. or maybe I should say-- wanting less of me.

I know this is wrong, my heart is broken into parts because of all the lies I have been spreading both around and inside of myself, but I can't... I can't help myself.

Tomorrow, I am beginning a new fast.

Maybe (there's still this little piece of hope) when I get down to 48 kg (105 lbs), my mind will find peace. I don't know... I don't know. 

And the uncertainty is so unnerving. 

El tiempo da buen consejo.

52.7 kg (116.18 lbs)

---------BMI 20.1---------

weight lost: 2.3 kg (5.07 lbs)

weight to lose: 4.7 kg (10.36 lbs)

I told you once that in the end, I always come back. This is far from the end, and I have returned: I've missed you immensely, and a lot has happened that I need to update you on. Mid- June, I hit a plateau, I was desperate, miserable, depressed, call it whatever you'd like: I had been at home for more than a month and none of my friends seemed to care: no one was calling me, no one wanted to see me, talk to me, and no one at home seemed to notice I was feeling so down... I don't think I'd ever felt as lonely as I did those weeks.

Shortly before the end of June, my mom decided we were going on a family vacation and within 2 days, everything was booked and we left for Greece's greenest island, Rhodes. 12 days where no one knew me, where I could put a bathing suit on and not feel too ashamed (it was still pre-summer season time and mainly retired Italian couples in the hotel and on the beach), making my own decisions about food (buffet style meals), spending time with my parents-- it was exactly what I needed. I feel much better now, having lost a little bit of weight, thinking more optimistic thoughts and mentally preparing myself for a huge turning point in my life- laser eye surgery. Even though I haven't been able to find a summer job, my parents decided to pay for it (which I will, of course, give back to them sometime since I wanted to pay for it from my own pocket). It might seem like a not too much of a big thing, but it's a huge deal for me: I've been wearing glasses since I was 7 and can't imagine what it's like to be able to see without them. If everything goes well, the surgery will take place on Jul 26, in less then 2 weeks. 

Drinking apple cider vinegar in the morning.

Fruit and coffee for breakfast.

(Still purging lunches... I know, I know...)

Eating light dinners.

Sorry I've been such a mess... sometimes all we need is some time.

I've missed you and I love you very much.

I love you.

Lu.