Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality. (working on it...)

"Just keep eating like this and you'll have to leave the expensive 

small jeans here when you're packing for school in August."

pats my stomach after lunch. grins. says nothing.

clearly looking at my thighs: "How about no dinner tonight?"

watching TV: "Look at that weather girl! Girls these days are so skinny!"

"You've gained a lot of weight in the two weeks that you've been home, right? Your cheeks are so chubby!"

With all my heart, mind and soul, I was determined to let the comments pass me by, but last night, the last comment my dad made, swept the glass vase of the fragile self-confidence I have been trying to glue together for the past year from the labile table of my existence. I was determined to do it the healthy way, my mind was so set on being the happy, healthy girl not at all preoccupied with her weight- I just wanted to be happy- that was all. The pressure I didn't count with pushed me onto my knees, and I'm back, I'm here, I'm blogging again... and I have to lose more weight.

I tried working out: I have been doing an hour on our stationary bicycle every day last week (burning 1000 calories a day) and my calves are starting to look toned. And bigger. And I didn't lose a single pound. And that freaks me out. I'll have to try a different routine.

55.7 kg (122.8 lbs) as of today.

My first goal is to get to the 53 kg (116.84 lbs) I was two weeks ago.

And this time, nothing can stop me from reaching the 48 kg (105 lbs).

I love you, girls. Only you truly understand what I'm going through.

Thank you for all your support last time- when I thought that... well, it doesn't matter now: let's just leave it all behind and start over.

I need you, darlings.

Lu.

This is not a goodbye, it's more like... I'll be seeing you.

My beautiful little darlings

(or whoever still visits my blog),

you have probably figured that something has been wrong with me because I have been away from my blog for a while again. I haven't been doing very well, more like gaining more and more weight because of all the stress from school, finals and all the pressure (especially the kind of pressure I have been putting myself under). The only positive thing about the past couple of weeks has been that I have been going to the gym every, burning 700/800 calories on average. 

It is the finals' week at my college and tomorrow I have my last exam, so I am planning to pull an all-nighter tonight... the last one of this academic year. It is almost Wednesday, and I will be leaving for home on Sunday morning, landing in my beloved country on Monday. I cannot express how much I want to leave at this point... I have been a disappointment to myself, and even though I have been doing my best to avoid thoughts like this, I am losing the battle... I am losing myself, I am losing who I wanted to become, I am losing the last broken pieces of the person I once used to be and whose body I felt comfortable in. 

No, this is not a goodbye, I know I will be back at some point, probably after the summer, maybe even sooner... I just need some time to figure myself out. I love you so much, sweethearts. You are so very strong and are (and always will be) the true inspiration to me.

I'll be seeing you, but for now...

I love you all so much and owe you more than I will ever be able to pay back. Never ever forget how beautiful you are. This is not the end, it's a new beginning.

Lu.

Whether you say you can or you can’t, you’re right.

Ever since I have been trying to do it the healthy way, my body's response has been positive. Literally. I've gained 2 pounds in a week and have been afraid to step on the scale. But it's all alright, I have two last weeks to do my best, and I know I will. 

I still go to the gym every day, and have increased the time I spend there from half an hour to an hour. Kind of proud of myself, actually: I've never been too good at exercising. 

However, the amount of calories I eat every day (and binge and purge and binge... I'm ashamed of that, I have to admit, but I'm trying to change the habit, because that's exactly what it's become) is not enough for my body to keep dropping the pounds. 

It's time I stopped eating again. 

And I have a plan. 

Love you, my darlings. 

Tomorrow's a new day.

All my love,

Lu.