Monday, June 6, 2011

Problems are messages.


Sweethearts, I'm so sorry I haven't posted for the past couple of days... I actually wrote a post on Thursday, but never published it. I talked about how I recognized the binge-enemy and was ready to defeat it, but the problem was that I wasn't ready, and I knew it: I just couldn't make myself believe my own words.

I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster lately (this has probably been my most difficult period so far- psychologically speaking), it's still not over, and I'm still a wreck. The week before is always terrible (especially for people around me that don't know what what's going on)- I'm moody, argue for the stupidest things and hurt everyone, even those that love me the most, but the actual week of the struggle is never this bad... can it be over now? Please?

"You have gained weight since you came back, right?" Again. Again. Those words almost made me cry on Friday, but I have tried not to think of them too much since... but they still hurt. The strange thing is that instead of making me feel motivated to lose weight, they make me eat. I'm tired of making excuses for him, and the minute I stop, I start to hate him, and hating my own father makes me feel like an ungrateful spoiled little brat, and that makes me hate myself. I want out of this stupid circle: being back is so much harder than I would have ever imagined. Being so weak makes me feel disappointed in myself, and I'm so vulnerable at the moment that basically anything can bring me down. And then, when I think more about it, I think of all the people in the world that have it so much more difficult than me, and I feel ashamed for being so stupid, so superficial. Sometimes I just wish I could be someone else... anyone else.

And I'm sick right now. My brother caught something at work and has been coughing and sneezing at all of us for the past week, and of course I caught it from him. Not making the situation better.

I promised myself I wouldn't postpone things unless absolutely necessary, but I have to: I'll start posting my weight and seriously working on it once I'm alright again, just not right now. 
I hope you've been doing well, my loves, and I'm sorry for not being my usual optimistic self- I seem to be unable to feel happy at the moment. I'm sorry. I'll try to post again tomorrow.














I will love you, I always will, no matter what I'm going through.
I'm so sorry not to be the strong and the courageous one.

Thank you for every single one of your comments,
they make me feel like maybe I'm actually good for something.



  1. I'm so sorry you had such a bad week.

    I hope you'll be feeling better soon.
    Stay strong ♥

  2. Thank you for posting when you feel so down. We are all here for you, and support you. Just look at your beautiful pictures today! You know what I work to see now? I work to see myself as that person, happy and healthy. We love you.

  3. It's so weird, at least for me, how negative criticism makes me wanna binge and a positive criticism makes me wanna workout and eat healthier.

    I've been like that with everything though.

    You can do it, sweetie, stay strong!

  4. Darling, take all the time you need. Believe it or not you actually deserve it xx

    Just get better, focus on all the parts of who you are that don't have anything to do with food (they're there, I struggle to find them in myself but they're there).

    I love you so much you know,
    Adeline xx

  5. ma jolie,
    ugh that sounds like a really sucky week. periods can really make life so much more difficult. logistically, physically, and emotionally. it just plain old sucks. And on top of it getting sick? oof. drink lots and lots of tea and get all the vitamin C you can!

    Don't worry about posting regularly, we all love you no matter what. And you are the strong one, even on your bad days you manage to find inspiring photos and write well.

    Lots of love and sunshine,

  6. As long as you're healthy that's all that matters - take as much time as you need, we'll all be here for you anyway, ♥


    Take some time to refuel your "happiness tanks." I need that sometimes too. If you're in a binge cycle, eat! But eat meals, not processed snacks, and try to make them homemade ones. The time spent making them is therapeutic to me. And try to savor every bite. Try to enjoy the food and enjoy the comfort it may give you. Everything's going to be fine. Eat, but eat well, my love :)

  8. You ARE good for something. Never forget that! You're the best blogger I know! Your words and images inspire people, and that is POWERFUL. I'm sorry that things have been hard lately, just know that things always get better. ALWAYS. RaeLynn