Monday, March 7, 2011

Will this ever end?

A little different (and a longer) post today; if you're here just for the pictures, please, feel free to skip ahead... I just need to get all of this off of my mind right now.

To be honest, I've been doing awfully lately. I have been looking for my lost motivation (no, still haven't found it) and (for a split second) even started thinking about giving up and never looking back, but, well, which one of us doesn't have bad days, right?

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow we can start over.
Tomorrow I can start over.

This has been sounding in my head like a mantra, something I'm trying to persuade myself of, something I tell you every week, and yet I myself end up breaking every single time.

I have gone way too far to give up on everything (and all of you) now, I know. My roommate is noticing. She says I don't eat, that I don't sleep, that I am disappearing before her eyes. She looks worried and that really hurts me because she is a very dear friend to me. I can't tell her, she knows my excuses are too feeble, she sees that I'm suffering, but she seems to accept everything because I know she loves me.

We're strange creatures, don't you agree? When I first started, I set my "far future" goal weight to "somewhere between 52-55 kg" (~115-120 lbs), and the weight at which I would "feel good about myself" to be 55-56 kg. When I was 56 kg, I felt everything but good about myself, and so I pushed myself. When I was 55 kg, I saw that I could do better, just me, myself, and my determination and I pushed myself again.

I'm pushing my goals, my dreams, my ideas about perfection and I'll be pushing until-------?
I wonder if what I am will ever be enough, if this is ever going to come to an end. I feel trapped in this vicious circle of reaching for... what am I actually reaching for? 

No, I'm not depressed, this is just something that my brain has been telling me for the past couple of weeks... and I don't know what to do about it, I honestly don't know, I keep going, keep restricting, keep trying to lose... and meanwhile, what I'm losing is the connection between what I am now and who I used to be.

I'm sorry for the lack of motivational quotes, I need to make myself believe them before I can post more.

We all know them... we see them in the streets and wish we were more like them. 



















P.S. I know posts like these are extremely hard to comment on,
but if you leave only a dot, one letter, a question mark...
whatever, I will appreciate it now more than ever because
I need you, my darlings.

I love you and I will never cease to admire
how strong, encouraging and truly beautiful you are.

Thank you.

Yours always,