Thursday, September 8, 2011

I chose this.


52.3 kg (115.30 lbs)
---------BMI 19.9---------
weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)
weight to lose: 4.3 kg (9.48 lbs)


45 minutes of Pilates in the morning
60 minutes on the elliptical in the afternoon

breakfast: leftover latte from last night
lunch: a double espresso shot
a bottle of Diet Coke

I'm not even pushing myself.
When I find myself thinking about food, I rewind all the compliments (both verbal and non-verbal) I received today; I want to be thin more than I want to have dinner. I know I'm crazy, but starving myself has always been the only way for me to lose weight. I'm tired of making excuses, yet apologizing is what I continue doing. 
















Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Junior Year.


I was gone for a long time.
I thought I was okay, I though I was doing great, I thought I was healthy... I thought I won. Admitting that I have an illness was the last thing I wanted to deal with, and yet, two weeks ago, when (again) I started purging all my meals, I realized how far from the truth I was.

The voice in my head is back: when I would religiously count my calories and make myself upset about eating half an orange as the only meal of the day, I had no time to think about what it might mean. I was losing weight to feel better about myself, and then, when I lost the weight I planned on losing, it turned into obsessing about everything food-related.

I think I might need help, but I am simply not brave enough to ask for it (and I know I never will). Even if I did ask, I would secretly continue doing what I have been doing... I'm damn sure about that. It's a circle, my darlings, and I can't get out. 

I am back in my college, and everyone has been complimenting me on how great I look. I have never had this much attention from guys, and I have no idea how to deal with it (though I still seem to intimidate them... well, at least that hasn't changed :). This is not helping... all of this has only left me restricting more, exercising more, wanting more.. or maybe I should say-- wanting less of me.

I know this is wrong, my heart is broken into parts because of all the lies I have been spreading both around and inside of myself, but I can't... I can't help myself.

Tomorrow, I am beginning a new fast.

Maybe (there's still this little piece of hope) when I get down to 48 kg (105 lbs), my mind will find peace. I don't know... I don't know. 
And the uncertainty is so unnerving.