Everyone's mad here.

 

For quite a while now, 

I've lived with a plastic smile plastered on my face. 

Have been feeling so miserable, drowning in my depression.

The other day, someone told me I lived in a denial;
he couldn't have been more right.

They say you really are the person you are when no one's looking.

If that's the case (and I know it is), I'm just a pitiful little existence,

lonely when in need of someone to hold me,

listening to sad songs when I should try to cheer myself up,

withdrawing from everyone and everything

and, indeed, living in a denial.

The balloon of misery in my ribcage is getting bigger.

It's all-consuming, filled with self-pity, unhappiness and secrets.

Will it deflate, or will it burst?

I honestly can't predict right now;

and meanwhile, I don't eat, I don't sleep,

I avoid people and their wondering stares.

 

 

 

 

 

 I'll be more optimistic, I promise.

Just not right away.

I love you, and your support is what I need;

but you know me: if I'm not happy myself,

I'd feel like a hypocrit if I tried to cheer you on...

so I remain silent.

But let me just say- 

your comments mean the world to me, my darlings.

Yours,

Lu.

It's all in our h(e)a(n)ds.

Senior year in college is killing me slowly yet surely.

I have been eating my frustration, depression and stress away.

Literally. Whatever the plans were in the beginning of the semester,

I simply couldn't get myself to stick to them. And the vicious circle

of frustration began... you know what I'm talking about.

Can't fit into my favorite pair of jeans. Yes, it's that bad.

It was on Sunday that I saw the dreaded number 60 (kg...132 lbs),

and realized this needs to stop.

Attempted to start a liquid diet yesterday.

Soup for lunch, liters of coffee, a can of diet coke. 

Half a pack of cigarettes.

Screwed up at night: ate half a box of Turkish Delight.

Was so mad at myself that I purged.

Coffee for lunch today.

Latin Aerobic Dance at noon, an orange afterwards.

Going to spinning at 5.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's to us.

 Lu.