Monday, June 6, 2011

Problems are messages.


Sweethearts, I'm so sorry I haven't posted for the past couple of days... I actually wrote a post on Thursday, but never published it. I talked about how I recognized the binge-enemy and was ready to defeat it, but the problem was that I wasn't ready, and I knew it: I just couldn't make myself believe my own words.

I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster lately (this has probably been my most difficult period so far- psychologically speaking), it's still not over, and I'm still a wreck. The week before is always terrible (especially for people around me that don't know what what's going on)- I'm moody, argue for the stupidest things and hurt everyone, even those that love me the most, but the actual week of the struggle is never this bad... can it be over now? Please?

"You have gained weight since you came back, right?" Again. Again. Those words almost made me cry on Friday, but I have tried not to think of them too much since... but they still hurt. The strange thing is that instead of making me feel motivated to lose weight, they make me eat. I'm tired of making excuses for him, and the minute I stop, I start to hate him, and hating my own father makes me feel like an ungrateful spoiled little brat, and that makes me hate myself. I want out of this stupid circle: being back is so much harder than I would have ever imagined. Being so weak makes me feel disappointed in myself, and I'm so vulnerable at the moment that basically anything can bring me down. And then, when I think more about it, I think of all the people in the world that have it so much more difficult than me, and I feel ashamed for being so stupid, so superficial. Sometimes I just wish I could be someone else... anyone else.

And I'm sick right now. My brother caught something at work and has been coughing and sneezing at all of us for the past week, and of course I caught it from him. Not making the situation better.

I promised myself I wouldn't postpone things unless absolutely necessary, but I have to: I'll start posting my weight and seriously working on it once I'm alright again, just not right now. 
I hope you've been doing well, my loves, and I'm sorry for not being my usual optimistic self- I seem to be unable to feel happy at the moment. I'm sorry. I'll try to post again tomorrow.














I will love you, I always will, no matter what I'm going through.
I'm so sorry not to be the strong and the courageous one.

Thank you for every single one of your comments,
they make me feel like maybe I'm actually good for something.