Monday, May 27, 2013

And the days are passing by.

May 16, 2013. 11:34pm.

I had a dream last night, the kind of dream you make a conscious decision to wake up from into the night and the plot, the feelings, the thoughts stick with you no matter how much you want to shake them off.

In that dream, we were in love. Whether it was once again or still, I couldn't tell. The only thing that mattered was that I felt needed, cherished, appreciated for being myself. He held me and told me he would never let me go, he kissed my hair, my fingers, my lips, he whispered he loved me.

Everything changed in a blink of an eye.
Suddenly, I was alone. Hurt and confused. Shivering in the darkness.

In the dream, he left me--
He left me yet again.

May 17, 2013. 11:04pm.

I still remember how loudly I laughed
When you told me keeping quiet was a skill.
We haven't talked in four months;
Four months and eleven days, to be precise.
I'd lie if I said I never think of you
And you'd be surprised how much I've changed.
One day (after you told me to live my life)
I understood. These days I tell people
I'm good at keeping quiet.
If they laugh, I let them be.
Everyone needs to find out on their own
What it really means.


May 17, 2013. 11:14pm.

Does it even count as leaving
If someone you love stops talking to you?
After I awoke from that dream
I thought to myself
"Well, so now he's left me twice."
Maybe it was the closure I never got.
And maybe my love for him still lives.


May 26/27, 2013. 12:01am.

Like the whiskey tingling on my tongue
The feel of you was still there when
I touched my cheeks. I've rubbed them
With soap and cloth and water
And the smell of you still lingers.
I've been trying to forget all about
Your wandering fingertips; as I close
My eyes and pray for sleep,
The saltiness of my tears creates
Crooked paths down my face.
I can't help but lick my lips.
Even those still taste like you.


May 27, 2013. 9:32am.

These days I wish I could just walk around with a sign around my neck that reads 

"I'm being nice to you because I can't be nice to myself."

Haven't been feeling very inspired 
Or useful
Or valuable
Or cheerful

I guess that's why I keep smiling and telling others everything is going to be alright and that it's important to keep fighting.

I can't take my own advice (I never could.)

Things have changed. Every morning I wake up with tears in my eyes and never remember the dreams. I've tried; the more I try to corner them, the more successfully they fade into the new day.