Wednesday, April 10, 2013

It is only with the heart that...but what does a mirror look at?


I am at war with myself once again.

If my scale could talk, it would yell Plateau! Plateau! Plateau! at me. Of course it was bound to happen, I had no illusions, yet it got to me in a way it does every single time. Frustrating, to say the least. However, a much worse thing than this temporary unpleasantness is that last night it dawned on me that my thoughts are consuming me; nothing in my brain echoes louder than the constant bugging voice whispering that I am doing something wrong because I am not losing fast enough, that I have the potential to do a lot better than this (and that obviously I am not doing it).

It is exhausting. I am having a hard time remembering the last time I had a normal meal served with no regrets on the side. 

(but then... it's possible, nothing worth having comes easy, just believe, stay strong, don't you dare give up!)


I am losing touch with my reasonable self once again.

Every night, the sounds of my empty stomach lull me to sleep. 
They are comforting and sound like an applause.

(This is twisted. How can I possibly be so proud of that?)


Will I ever be enough?

When I see girls who are truly and objectively just skin-covered collection of bones and still talk about how much they eat while they really should not, I want to scream at them, grab their shoulders, sink my nails into them and shake them until their old sensible selves would return into their bodies.


And then I catch the stare of my reflection in the mirror and look away because the presence of the persuasion I am not good enough is too deep, the thought I am not undone enough is obnoxiously loud. And so I keep quiet, smile a pretty smile (there are people who have it a lot worse, right?) and fight my battle even if I am not entirely sure any more whose side I am on.


Maybe the only thing that really matters is that I keep going. That is one of the few things I am sure of at the moment: I will keep going until I find out.

(How do they say it? Curiosity killed the cat?)


  1. Curiosity did kill the cat but sometimes we have to find something out for ourselves to truly learn the lesson

    Keeping going is the most important thing

    'Forward ever, backwards never'

    Sending you a hug x

  2. Thinking of you sweetie <3
    Alice xx

  3. Good luck with everything. I know this can be extremely hard, but always remember to love yourself. You are beautiful and strong!

    Even if you are not as thin as you want to be, you are still beautiful and you are something great. You are a marvelous writer and bring inspiration to hundreds to thousands of people. We have all been there and we will all probably be there in the future.

    “If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
    ― Woody Allen

  4. I hate plateaus. Right now though I'm happy to see that rather than a gain.

    Take care of yourself, love <3