Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Junior Year.


I was gone for a long time.
I thought I was okay, I though I was doing great, I thought I was healthy... I thought I won. Admitting that I have an illness was the last thing I wanted to deal with, and yet, two weeks ago, when (again) I started purging all my meals, I realized how far from the truth I was.

The voice in my head is back: when I would religiously count my calories and make myself upset about eating half an orange as the only meal of the day, I had no time to think about what it might mean. I was losing weight to feel better about myself, and then, when I lost the weight I planned on losing, it turned into obsessing about everything food-related.

I think I might need help, but I am simply not brave enough to ask for it (and I know I never will). Even if I did ask, I would secretly continue doing what I have been doing... I'm damn sure about that. It's a circle, my darlings, and I can't get out. 

I am back in my college, and everyone has been complimenting me on how great I look. I have never had this much attention from guys, and I have no idea how to deal with it (though I still seem to intimidate them... well, at least that hasn't changed :). This is not helping... all of this has only left me restricting more, exercising more, wanting more.. or maybe I should say-- wanting less of me.

I know this is wrong, my heart is broken into parts because of all the lies I have been spreading both around and inside of myself, but I can't... I can't help myself.

Tomorrow, I am beginning a new fast.

Maybe (there's still this little piece of hope) when I get down to 48 kg (105 lbs), my mind will find peace. I don't know... I don't know. 
And the uncertainty is so unnerving. 



  1. At least you can be sure that there are people who understand and accept you. Welcome back.

  2. Don't fast. that's not going to help anything. And go get help, you know you need it and putting it off isn't going to make things any better. I still love you, and I want what's best for you. And this time, I don't think that's achieving this new goal of 105.