Monday, March 7, 2011

Will this ever end?

A little different (and a longer) post today; if you're here just for the pictures, please, feel free to skip ahead... I just need to get all of this off of my mind right now.

To be honest, I've been doing awfully lately. I have been looking for my lost motivation (no, still haven't found it) and (for a split second) even started thinking about giving up and never looking back, but, well, which one of us doesn't have bad days, right?

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow we can start over.
Tomorrow I can start over.

This has been sounding in my head like a mantra, something I'm trying to persuade myself of, something I tell you every week, and yet I myself end up breaking every single time.

I have gone way too far to give up on everything (and all of you) now, I know. My roommate is noticing. She says I don't eat, that I don't sleep, that I am disappearing before her eyes. She looks worried and that really hurts me because she is a very dear friend to me. I can't tell her, she knows my excuses are too feeble, she sees that I'm suffering, but she seems to accept everything because I know she loves me.

We're strange creatures, don't you agree? When I first started, I set my "far future" goal weight to "somewhere between 52-55 kg" (~115-120 lbs), and the weight at which I would "feel good about myself" to be 55-56 kg. When I was 56 kg, I felt everything but good about myself, and so I pushed myself. When I was 55 kg, I saw that I could do better, just me, myself, and my determination and I pushed myself again.

I'm pushing my goals, my dreams, my ideas about perfection and I'll be pushing until-------?
I wonder if what I am will ever be enough, if this is ever going to come to an end. I feel trapped in this vicious circle of reaching for... what am I actually reaching for? 

No, I'm not depressed, this is just something that my brain has been telling me for the past couple of weeks... and I don't know what to do about it, I honestly don't know, I keep going, keep restricting, keep trying to lose... and meanwhile, what I'm losing is the connection between what I am now and who I used to be.

I'm sorry for the lack of motivational quotes, I need to make myself believe them before I can post more.

We all know them... we see them in the streets and wish we were more like them. 



















P.S. I know posts like these are extremely hard to comment on,
but if you leave only a dot, one letter, a question mark...
whatever, I will appreciate it now more than ever because
I need you, my darlings.

I love you and I will never cease to admire
how strong, encouraging and truly beautiful you are.

Thank you.

Yours always,


  1. MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS COMING YOUR WAY! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO You post aaaaaaaamazing thinspo. This week ahead will be made yours, and it will be successful. Just remember that you're in charge! Food is just an object that you can have whenever you want, but that you don't need to have whenever you want.

    You rock :)


  2. Grr. I typed out a lovely reply and hit refresh by accident. *ahem* here we go.

    We are the only things standing in our own way; unfortunately our own mind is the hardest thing to overcome. It's a hard fight, but we're all behind you 138% of the way

  3. I can totally relate to this at the moment. I've lost motivation too. I thought I found it again on friday night, but I don't know... it's hard to get back up again.
    but the difference between you and I is that you have already come so far. I hate giving advice because I don't think I'm in a good position to give it, but maybe you should just try maintaining for a while and re-evaluate the situation. Maybe if you take a good look, you'll see that you are the girl you spent so long dreaming about before. Take a moment to stop and see the beauty, because you ARE beautiful.

    I hope this feeling passes for you quickly. I hope you can see the best path for you after this smoke clears.

    Love you to the moon and back!

  4. One of these days, Lu, you'll find it. I know you will, you are strong and you are beautiful.

    You can take a break, and we will be here for you.


  5. Oh, and for good measure...

  6. it's truly never enough i know..
    we want just an extra pound, that extra ounce, gone forever then it's on to the next one. and the next one. etc etc..
    don't be too hard on proud of how far you've come girl!


  7. Oh wow I can relate to this post so so much at the moment.
    Losing motivation really sucks but my darling I know that you WILL be motivated again soon. Motivation will appear it's just absent at the moment so please don't beat yourself up about it.
    There are quite a few time when throwing in the towel seems like the easiest option, but we all know it's much harder than that.
    You're a strong, capable and AMAZING woman, you'll get out of this slump.
    I hope you're feeling better very, very, VERY soon.
    Love Anafly

  8. I too can relate to this, if you're feeling lost or unmotivated, just have patience, you'll find your way to where you want to be, it's only a matter of time <3

  9. I love your pictures but I follow your blog because I want to read about you, because I like you.
    I think our perception is warped. Part of me thinks we will always be unhappy with how we look, no matter how skinny we get. The weight is just a number but it means so much to us. I remember when my goal was 58 then 56 then 55 then 54 and so on until now. I want to be tiny, I almost want to look like i'm sick because I think it will make me feel better.. but will it?? sorry this isnt uplifting but I feel like I can relate to what you are saying (well this is my interpretation).

    I wish you the best

  10. Your writing is absolutely lovely and I just want to reach out and give you a giant huge. You're right, every one has those bad days and you just need to find your motivation again. There's always going to be a tomorrow, so in a way, "tomorrow" never comes. Maybe you could change your mantra up just a bit:
    Today is a new day.
    Today will be better.
    Today we can start over.
    Today I can start over.

    Why put off until tomorrow what you're able to achieve the today? A lot of people start out on a journey not knowing what they're searching for, but the keeping go, keep trying, and then somewhere along the way, they find when when they're not looking.

    Just know that whatever you decide to do: keep going to start on a new road to health, we're all going to be here to support you! ♥

  11. HUG. Motivation is the hardest part of losing weight for me, so I know how rough it can be when you just don't want to do anything. The trick is, I think, whenever you think "I can't" or "I'll do it tomorrow" just pick yourself up and do it right then. I'm rooting for you. <3

  12. looks like you've touched many of us with this post. maybe it's just that time of year when we've all had just about enough and are lost. we'll get through this together!


  13. Correct me if I'm wrong
    You're fragile and you're strong
    A beautiful and PERFECT combination

    You will get through this
    Things, feelings, weight...
    these are all things that go up and down.
    Just remember things change
    "this too shall pass"
    Keep your head up lovely.

    You are my inspiration.

  14. Wow. what an amazing post. It was so real and raw, and I know that along with all of the girls who commented, I can relate to what you're going through. The past week and a half have been hell for me- questioning if I have what it takes, bingeing, guilt-tripping myself, resolving to do better, in one giant vicious circle. Just always remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We all love you and have experienced (or are experiencing) the same feelings you are right now. Thank you for being so honest; it gives me the courage to do the same. much love, <3RaeLynn

  15. Hey!

    I'm sorry to hear you've been doing awfully, I know that feeling all too well. Sometimes I want to give up, all that keeps me going is someday and on some days life makes sense and it seems to be getting better and on other days, it seems hopeless.
    You'll get through this :) Like so many have said before me, YOU are not alone by any means.

    Stay strong

  16. i randomly found your blog. im sorry your days havent been the best. but like youve said, tomorrow is always a new day. i definitely relate with being unable to take control of my day. but if like to hope that both you and i, as well as everyone else going through this struggle will eventually get there. take care.

  17. This is absolutely awesome thinspo... thank you for posting!

  18. Heyy, I've just found your blog :) don't worry, things will get better soon, I think it's just the time of year :) I have been going through similar things and it's so comforting to know that other people are feeling the same way.
    Stay strong, things will get better soon,
    Lottie x

  19. I love your posts. It's soooo great and it gives me so much inspiration. when i started loseing i was around 60 kilos like you and when i read your posts it makes me think that i can do that too. i'm soo soo happy for you that you have lost so much. i will be there too soon. Love you and your posts so much. S

    Stay strong goregeous girl!!