Focus.

54.9 kg (121.03 lbs)

-----------------BMI 20.8--------------

SW for this try: 56 kg (123.46 lbs)

weight lost: 1.1 kg (2.43 lbs)

weight to lose: 6.9 kg (15.21 lbs)

I've been avoiding mirrors lately. 

It's like holding your breath-- breath in, concentrate, stay focused, 

hold it-- hold it-- hold it------

breathe out.

Need to stay determined, need to keep holding my breath; the relief that will come once I breathe out and take in some fresh air will be immense. This is all more than worth it.

My love-interests continue to be of the non-mutual-attraction kind. Five nice (more or less, actually) guys chasing after me, but I just can't make myself like them...I can't push myself into something I would certainly regret. Trying to focus on my goal instead. They say the best things come to you when you stop looking: I stopped looking for love because I know it will find me.


Tried to start a liquid diet today. Soup, diet coke, tea and coffee for lunch. Couldn't do it. A bowl of soup, diet coke, two slices of pizza and a slice of apple pie later for dinner, I found myself over the toilet in the dorm bathroom. I need to stop doing this. The knuckles on my right hand look terrible and I'm afraid someone might start suspecting something. Maybe it's a good thing there's no one that actually cares?
Attempt number two tomorrow. Must succeed-- will succeed. Need to succeed.


How did I even do this before? When did I become so weak?

I love you, darlings.


Lu.

You can only trust yourself... and barely that.

Have been failing myself lately.

Falling down and catching myself, 

binging and restricting,

trying and failing.
And then not even trying.
That's what we do, right?

breakfast: egg croissant, 5 potatoes (~400 cal)

I told myself I would start tomorrow (which tomorrow?), but the decision always seems to fade with the morning sky. I can feel the weight I have gained. My face is getting bigger. I disgust myself.

I'm not going to lie... why would I:
56 kg (123.46 lbs). Oh yes.

















Lu.

I chose this.

52.3 kg (115.30 lbs)

---------BMI 19.9---------

weight lost: 0 kg (0 lbs)

weight to lose: 4.3 kg (9.48 lbs)

Raining.

45 minutes of Pilates in the morning

60 minutes on the elliptical in the afternoon

breakfast: leftover latte from last night

lunch: a double espresso shot

a bottle of Diet Coke

I'm not even pushing myself.

When I find myself thinking about food, I rewind all the compliments (both verbal and non-verbal) I received today; I want to be thin more than I want to have dinner. I know I'm crazy, but starving myself has always been the only way for me to lose weight. I'm tired of making excuses, yet apologizing is what I continue doing.