Saturday, January 26, 2013

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.


Sometimes the kind of thoughts I have taught my brain to automatically capture and put away someplace where I will not be able to find them ever again come to haunt me at night, when my subconsciousness tries to persuade me it is time to deal with the problems instead of denying their existence.

Last night, for the sixth night in a row, he appeared in my dreams, and the fact it was utterly unexpected made the encounter that much more painful. Like the hole I burnt with a cigarette into my favorite white shirt last week, I am absolutely incapable of filling the empty spot he left in my heart with anything, and the calm, icy, almost uninterested façade I keep at all times to fight off wondering looks 
suddenly melts off of my face.

And then, in these empty, quiet moments of a lonely night, at a time when Christmas is long gone and summer seems so far away, I am human again- fragile little struggling existence, realizing the shakiness of my certainties and the persisting presence of the sand underneath the foundations of the independence I claim to have.

For a strange and inexplicably comforting reason, I come to realize that even if I decided to throw the battered book of my past into the all-consuming flames of oblivion, its bits and pieces would come back to me in my sleep, for the memories I created, the thoughts I once had, the moments I once hoped would never end helped build the person I am today. I might despise her now, I might be trying to change her at the moment, but at the same time, I’m learning to accept her.

For now, all I can do is use the present to create a future I will truly be proud to be a part of. And so I will do this properly: I am about to let my past mark the beginning of a bright and balanced future. For no matter how many new chapters I begin to write, no matter how many books I close, they will always remain on the shelves of the bookcase of my life. And who knows? One day, I might even find myself sitting in the midst of a library. Life is a funny one, and there is nothing in the world I would like more than to lead a happy one; I am certain there will be many downs and disappointments on the way (maybe even tomorrow), but overall, the realization is so liberating and the sensation of it so powerful that I feel I am on the right track.

This is, indeed, a new beginning: newer, more real and more exciting than ever before.

Love always,


  1. Dear silly subconscious.
    From Lu and Peri.

    Those bits of the past are parts of who we are, but they are mere lego bricks in our selves. They do NOT dictate who we are!

    Remember that the days are getting longer for you. A little bit more daylight every day from now until summer solstice.

    Arohanui <3

  2. it's just like blocking out something. you can do it when you're busy, babe, butt whn you're alone at night, it's just you're alone with your head and they just pry open at you. did you realise that scientists have found an association between depression and time of day? you're more depressed at night it's a given
    he's not worth your time. i can tell you that from now. the things i've learned about love - one of them being is that if your happy moments do not outdo your moments of sadness then he is nothing. make him nothing.
    you write so eloquently <3
    the thing about a story i've realised is that you choose to write the words, create them, shape them as they are. words are nothing when they're alone, but when fixed together, they construct sentences - some of which are beautiful, some are not. some of which mean something, some mean nothing and some hide the idea of everything behind the lines. if we were to be written out, it would be superficial - the human existence is too deep for words to fabricate, but they can come close. that's what we try to do. fabricate that emotion, perfectly. the lovely thing about being the writer of your life is that you get to choose whether you're a tragedy or not. it's in your hands xo fate may push you in one direction, but your body, mind and soul push you in another. afterwards, it's just a matter of force and friction
    this made no logical sense i know
    -Sam Lupin

  3. This post is so very touching. I have just gone through, well I'm now getting over a break-up. I always thought that in time, love would get easier and it would be easier to let go once it ends. In reality, that doesn't always happen. I am glad that I had the opportunity to love.

    Inside I feel so hurt that a person who believed I was his everything could just forget that I exist. Forget to wish me a Happy Easter, and forget to return a late night text. Throughout the relationship we both had hurtles to over come, and we did that. Then, I think, he would like to blame me for the dismay. I always try to remember that it does take two to end something that took two to begin. So all the blame isn't on me. I made wrongs, but I am bettering myself every single day to make sure that in the future I am a better person. That I am a happier person inside and out.

    I try to think that what happened would have happened eventually. I wish you the best in your love life, but always remember that you are number one and you are always going to be there at the end of the day. They may not.

    Further, never stop loving. We have so much love in us and even if one person doesn't want it doesn't mean that someone else isn't waiting to receive it.