Fall break day 5.

I wish I was beautiful.
I'm still a work in progress;
 so many girls have tried and succeeded,
so why shouldn't I be one of them?

It's been raining all day today; should start studying tomorrow.

 Christmas in one month.

Fall break day 4.

Stupidly

made a promise to a friend last week to have dinner with him; 

and he planned it for today. 

I've fasted all day today, exactly as I planned (had 2 cups of coffee only), 

but now I'll need to eat... looked at the online menu and 

a coconut shrimp salad should be below 400 calories; 

still way too many. 

But I know it'll be alright; 

I'm keeping my eyes on my goal at all times.

***

I know we'll make it.

I know.

Fall break day 3.

Weight relapse...

I feel so bloated, but I can't purge... 

need some nutrients in my body before I start fasting again; tomorrow is the fresh start. 

Monday's gone, 6 days of break left. Need to catch up on school stuff and sleep.

This is my story.

Fall break day 2.

54.6 kg (120.37 lbs).

I'm just so very hungry.  

Our break started, which means I need to cook for myself.

Going to the supermarket today; I'm feeling so weak I hope I'll make it all the way there and back.

Feel like I haven't eaten properly for way too long; and I don't even miss it. I'd be really happy about my weight if only there wasn't the nauseating feeling of weakness and loneliness.

Meal for today- potato pancakes.

Will eat three or four of them 

Yes, 600 calories.

No, at this point, I really don't care.

I have to eat.

***

27 days before going home.

Never in my life have I felt such a need for going back.

I've almost forgotten how my mommy's embrace feels.

Fall break day 1.

...

55.3 kg (121.92 lbs).

almost 15 lbs down since September.

almost 12 lbs to go before I start feeling more beautiful.

Fall break starts today.

They try to tell me whatever I blame myself for is not my fault,
that it's all in my head. 

Oh, I know it's in my head... it's the only thing I think of.
It's there, constantly hitting the edges of my brain and bouncing
back and forth,
among those memories. 

It's that time of the year: the time of hopelessness, regret,

farewells, loneliness, darkness and falling leaves. 

Almost all of them are gone now.

I wish I could travel with the wind.

Can't stop.

I've been feeling really down lately; nothing seems to work out the way I plan and no matter what I do, no matter how much I cram for my tests, no matter how much extra work I do for my classes, nothing is enough. I feel trapped in the vicious cycle of not eating until I feel like I need to have a bite of anything, anything just not to pass out and then purging after eating fifty calories because I feel so guilty... guilty... guilty... all the time.

I don't know if I can do this any more.
I don't know if I can stop now.
I'm not sure about myself.
I'm not sure about anything any more.

I can't stop.
I can't stop.