Leaving tomorrow morning: while I'm gone, don't forget that I LOVE YOU very very much!

To summarize these past months here with you,

all I want to say is thank you 

for being so supportive, understanding,

encouraging, inspiring, and truly beautiful.

Everyone have wonderful, joyous and magical holidays;

may the following year bring us a lot of strength of mind, 

good decisions, fulfilled dreams, happiness

wherever we are and whoever we are there with.

Very Merry Christmas, everyone.

Don't choose to give up: would you rather follow the easy path or the one that leads to your dreams coming true?

First of all- a warm welcome to my new followers!

Second of all- just an ordinary day, no update really necessary;

will be weighing myself tomorrow morning after a couple of days.

Scared, but knowing whatever the scale shows, it will only

motivate me to continue on the way to my dream.

I don't think I'll be able to post in the upcoming weeks...

I'll add one more post tomorrow and then I guess 

I'll be updating after I come back from winter break 

(in 3 weeks)... time to give blogger some rest

just so we can start fresh with new resolutions.

(hope you won't forget about me while I'm gone! ;)

Lots of love to you, my sweethearts!

We spend too much time wondering why we're not good enough.

 

My finals are done; 

my fall semester is done.

Laundry day tomorrow,

packing day the day after tomorrow 

and leaving day the day after the day after tomorrow.

I can't wait

I can't wait

I can't wait.

I'm sorry for being such a grump yesterday;

I tend to over-think... everything.

***

I love you so much, girls.

Hope you have a beautiful day,

wherever you are.

Not enough...

Stuck between 53 and 54 kg (119~117 lbs)

and I have three more days before going home... home.

I can't wait to be with my family again;

it's seems like forever that I've been stuck in

this circle of school-lecture-homework-a little bit of sleep-school.

I'm trying so hard to be patient and not give up right now...

Even more and more snow these days.

I'm trying, I really am...
I just feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough...
I've never been as good as they think and oh,
I so want to prove myself wrong, but somehow,
it's always
always
always
 been about the others
...

Do you sometimes miss someone so much that it hurts?

It's my best friend's birthday today;

she's a thousand miles away, and words simply 

cannot explain how very much I miss her. 

For the two hardest years of my life, she was my everything.

Wish we could be together right now, just

like in the old times.

I've had enough of school this semester,

but I need to hang in there... 2 more exams on Wednesday;

then I can start thinking about packing...

Hope you're all well, my dear ones.

Hang in there, my loves. They've all made it, so why shouldn't we?

I'd just like to say (and I will never get tired of repeating it)

  thank you so very much for you gorgeous comments, my loves. 

We're all trying our best, and sometimes we all need

to read encouraging words... and that's what I'm here for. 

***

We're all on our way to perfection and knowing you

read my words and look at my pictures makes me

oh so incredibly happy and so much stronger

in my belief that one day, we will be beautiful.

Chemistry final tomorrow afternoon. *sigh*

Today, two more comments about my recent weight loss;

and they have no idea how much they've assured me that

what I'm doing, I'm doing right. 

Yes, I will keep on going.

I love you so very much, sweethearts.

Your friend always,

Lu.

No, nothing is impossible, dear ones.
Once you've found the strength that's been hiding
inside you, it's so easy to carry on.
In the past couple of days, I've been told by more than five people
I've lost a lot of weight this semester. People start to notice...
and that gives me the strength to continue.

I really, really, really want to be down
to 52 kg (~115 lbs) before Friday.
I'll do my best, I promise.

7 days before going home; I couldn't be more excited.

Love you so much, girls.

It always happens when you least expect it.

I'm losing weight, because that is not me.

53.4 kg (117.73 lbs)

My lowest weight. Ever.

***

Last night- a sleepless night. 

Liters of coffee, water, coffee and water. And coffee.

An essay due tomorrow and three finals next week.

I know I can... we all can, my loves.

Last day of classes tomorrow.

A week before I start packing.

I love you, girls. Thank you for your beautiful comments.

Beginning of the end.

Last school Thursday of the
semester before the finals week.

Snow everywhere, Christmas music playing on my iTunes;
time of the all-nighters, zillion of assignments

and big, cumulative exams.
5 classes, one paper, 5 finals before going home.
Fun times, what can I say.

Lots of love, sweethearts.

Stay strong and positive!

Hope.

Snow came together with December, end-of-semester craziness

and excitement for Christmas. 16 days before crossing the ocean.

Home, sweet home... soon.

Stuck between 55 and 54 kg (~120lbs).

Before leaving, I really want to make it to 52 kg (114.6 lbs);

I really, really, really hope I can.

Have a wonderful rest of the day, wherever you are,

beautiful ones. We can do this together.

Another Tuesday.

Sometimes I feel like it's simply too difficult to carry on.

No, today is not one of those days.

 If it was easy, everyone would be thin.

Monday Blues.

It's always been just myself who's been stopping me.

I'll win over myself this time.

We can all win, sweethearts.

My loves, we're all so very beautiful on the inside.

Now let's make others see the beauty, too!

Just an ordinary Sunday: last day of fall break.

My dear ones,

thank you so much for all your beautiful 

comments and a warm welcome to my new followers!

You truly are the support I need on my way, you always cheer me up

and keep me going. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Don't stop, loves, don't get tired of the chase.

The result is worth all the struggle.

Difficult times ahead, I know.

Good luck to all of us.

Fall break day 7.

...yes, I'm working.

Fall break day 6.

It's on rainy days like these that I realize how lonely I feel

and yet I am utterly unable to put myself out there.

I will, once I am comfortable with myself, once I am beautiful.

I need to stop recycling people

and learn how to love.

The truth is that I've always been better at leaving

rather than coming back.

Fall break day 5.

I wish I was beautiful.
I'm still a work in progress;
 so many girls have tried and succeeded,
so why shouldn't I be one of them?

It's been raining all day today; should start studying tomorrow.

 Christmas in one month.

Fall break day 4.

Stupidly

made a promise to a friend last week to have dinner with him; 

and he planned it for today. 

I've fasted all day today, exactly as I planned (had 2 cups of coffee only), 

but now I'll need to eat... looked at the online menu and 

a coconut shrimp salad should be below 400 calories; 

still way too many. 

But I know it'll be alright; 

I'm keeping my eyes on my goal at all times.

***

I know we'll make it.

I know.

Fall break day 3.

Weight relapse...

I feel so bloated, but I can't purge... 

need some nutrients in my body before I start fasting again; tomorrow is the fresh start. 

Monday's gone, 6 days of break left. Need to catch up on school stuff and sleep.

This is my story.

Fall break day 2.

54.6 kg (120.37 lbs).

I'm just so very hungry.  

Our break started, which means I need to cook for myself.

Going to the supermarket today; I'm feeling so weak I hope I'll make it all the way there and back.

Feel like I haven't eaten properly for way too long; and I don't even miss it. I'd be really happy about my weight if only there wasn't the nauseating feeling of weakness and loneliness.

Meal for today- potato pancakes.

Will eat three or four of them 

Yes, 600 calories.

No, at this point, I really don't care.

I have to eat.

***

27 days before going home.

Never in my life have I felt such a need for going back.

I've almost forgotten how my mommy's embrace feels.

Fall break day 1.

...

55.3 kg (121.92 lbs).

almost 15 lbs down since September.

almost 12 lbs to go before I start feeling more beautiful.

Fall break starts today.

They try to tell me whatever I blame myself for is not my fault,
that it's all in my head. 

Oh, I know it's in my head... it's the only thing I think of.
It's there, constantly hitting the edges of my brain and bouncing
back and forth,
among those memories. 

It's that time of the year: the time of hopelessness, regret,

farewells, loneliness, darkness and falling leaves. 

Almost all of them are gone now.

I wish I could travel with the wind.

Can't stop.

I've been feeling really down lately; nothing seems to work out the way I plan and no matter what I do, no matter how much I cram for my tests, no matter how much extra work I do for my classes, nothing is enough. I feel trapped in the vicious cycle of not eating until I feel like I need to have a bite of anything, anything just not to pass out and then purging after eating fifty calories because I feel so guilty... guilty... guilty... all the time.

I don't know if I can do this any more.
I don't know if I can stop now.
I'm not sure about myself.
I'm not sure about anything any more.

I can't stop.
I can't stop.

November?!

My dear ones,

my life has been a swirl of craziness lately; absolutely no time for anything besides school stuff.
Haven't been eating much, but have been needing some energy to keep me going.

A few people actually asked me if I've lost weight recently, and that reassured me of my progress. Can't stop now, need to go on with the plan. My scale has been showing 57kg for a while now (around 125 lbs), which means I'm slowly reaching toward my goal... but that will take some time. I really do want to look pretty when I go home for Christmas, so I just ordered an absolutely GORGEOUS pair of jeans in size 3. I will do my best to fit into them when the fall semester is over- to be exact, Saturday, December 18. Hopefully they'll be arriving here in a week or so-- looking at them and not being able to put them on will help me stay focused.

I will fit into them no matter what.
I'm in love with them now, I can't wait to see what happens to my determination once I have them in my hands. Looking forward to that moment!!




I call it a challenge- I will lose those 5 kg (11 lbs) and will be 52 kg (115 lbs) when I go home. I'm pretty sure I will gain some weight at home because of all the good food, but it won't be more than 3 kg, which will leave me with 55kg at the beginning of next semester- once I'm back in college.

It only takes planning. I'm not terribly good at it now, but it's a skill I'll develop for myself (and the jeans as a bonus).

Thank you for all your posts and your comments, sweethearts. I promise to post some thinspo when I have some time (not until Saturday I guess.. maybe I'll throw in an update or two on the weight meanwhile).

Have a good rest of the week and stay focused. Much love!!

Thursday.

4 saltine crackers. 50 calories.

Friday tomorrow, but a poster presentation and an exam before the weekend can start.
Will finally weigh myself tomorrow so I can update the statistics on my blog.. and I don't really know if I should be afraid or excited. I can only say that right now, the skinny jeans I bought 3 weeks ago are loose and falling down. Guess that's a good sign. Keeps me going on.

The only negative side of fasting are the terrible headaches I've been having for the past couple of days. But I'm strong and able to deal with them.

Sorry for the messy and disorganized post, I just let my thoughts flow... sometimes it works, sometimes it's better not to think at all, right?

Oh, it will be so easy to live being beautiful.

Wednesday.

Chemistry lab in an hour.
Homework.
Library.

3 mini donuts (approx. 150 calories).
Water with lemon juice.
Coffee.

Not even hungry, just... empty. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Just pure empty. Wanting to go home. Half a semester left.

It's my birthday next week.
Getting older, but not wiser.

Tuesday.

A cup of coffee, 2 cookies and an orange. It's cold outside, it makes me feel a little melancholic... and homesick. Yet again. Last week, I dreamt about Christmas and home for 4 nights in a row.

***

It's fall... where did the summer go?















It's over. But the colors are beautiful...





When will we be dancing in the sunlight again?